I wrote the first version of it back in 2008, but most of it still applies today.

As any of you who know me, or have seen me without my shirt on, are aware, I’m not a big sports guy. I watch maybe 5 sports events a year.

That all goes out the window during the Olympics. Something about the games really appeals to me. Maybe it’s the national pride, maybe it’s the fact I love blood sports.

One of the things I really dig about the Olympics is seeing the really odd sports, The stuff that’s never going into prime time. So, this is my dedication to Olympic Sports many people don’t even think about.

Team Handball

 Wiki Says: “Handball (also known as team handball, field handball, European handball, or Olympic handball) is a team sport in which two teams of seven players each (six players and a goalkeeper) pass and bounce a ball to throw it into the goal of the opposing team. The game has a goal similar to but smaller than in association football, though handling the ball involves the players' hands rather than feet. The game has been played internationally since the 1920s.”

So, I checked out the game, and it looked a little bit like a Soccer, Basketball, and Rugby Slashfic. Not a bat looking game, but it needs some more umph.  Still, I can see it improved with death traps, and spike covered armor.

Cross Country Cycling


Wiki Says: The men's cross-country at the 2008 Summer Olympics took place on August 23 at the Laoshan Mountain Bike Course.This event is a mass-start contest This event is a mass-start contest consisting of multiple laps around the course. Only a final is held, with the first cyclist to the finish line being the winner. Cyclists who are lapped finish the lap they are on, then exit the course”

This one has picked up since I first wrote this. I knew they had Cycling, of course, but I had no idea this sport existed. It looks like BMXs uncle. I imagine it’s a nice relaxing sport to watch, with a strong finish. And, hey, it also looks like bears may attack the riders.

Steeplechase

Wiki Says: “The steeplechase is an obstacle race in athletics, which derives its name from the steeplechase in horse racing. The length of the race is usually 3000 meters. The number of laps depends on whether the water jump is located to the inside of lane one or to the outside of lane eight or nine. Each runner encounters a total of 28 barriers over the course of the race, as well as 7 water jumps”

I say: that’s right, folks, a game that put’s humans through the hurdles (literally!) that horses face. You have to run, jump, and if you fall, swim. The only way I would improve it, add ‘gators to the water hazard. Hey, if that Pitfall guy can jump on their heads, so should the Olympians

Dressage

Wiki Says: “Dressage (pronounced dress-ahhzh /ˈdrɛsɑʒ/) (a French term, most commonly translated to mean "training") is a path and destination of competitive horse training, with competitions held at all levels from amateur to the Olympics. Its fundamental purpose is to develop, through standardized progressive training methods, a horse's natural athletic ability and willingness to perform, thereby maximizing its potential as a riding horse.”

This one has gotten more well known, mainly due to Mitt “Everyman” Romney. The presidential candidate, who assures us that he understands the middle class, has a horse competing this year. Colbert did a great send up of this sport, point out how it’s really the horse doing the real work.

I also object to the part where they define “Potential as a riding horse.” What if the horse doesn’t want to be a riding horse? Huh? What if it just wants to be a horse? Really, I’m not a big fan of the Equestrian events. If they’re going to include animals in Olympic Events, I think they should pic cooler animals, like… Falconing, or sheepdogs, or, Wolverineing. (I’m imagining a sport where Wolvererines compete to see who can eat a cow the quickest.)

 

Racewalking

Wiki Says: “Racewalking is a long-distance athletic event. Although it is a foot race, it is different from running in that one foot must appear to be in contact with the ground at all times. Stride length is reduced, so to achieve competitive speeds, racewalkers must attain cadence rates comparable to those achieved by Olympic 400-meter runners—and they must do so for hours at a time since the Olympic distances are 20 kilometres (12 mi) and 50 kilometres (31 mi).”

 I bet you think I’m going to make fun of this, don’t you? Well, screw you. Speed Walking is hard! It’s a sport not only about speed, but about control. If both of your feet leave the ground, it’s over. So, you’re hips are flailing as you try to catch up to the guy who is only, like, 10 feet ahead of you? And you know that a fat guy could catch up to him if he was running… but no! You have to walk! And if that wasn’t enough, you look so freaking silly, your’re never going to impress anyone. So, my hats off to you, Speedwalkers, you poor, silly bastards!

Ping Pong

 Wiki Says: “Table tennis, also known as ping-pong, is a sport in which two or four players hit a lightweight, hollow ball back and forth to each other with paddles. “

Ok, ok, I knew about Ping Pong. Everyone knows Ping Pong is an Olympic Sport. We just forget, because, really, who cares about Ping Pong. Not only was it the put of a joke movie last year, but it’s going to be the butt of anther joke next year. And there’s a reason you haven’t cared about this game since you turned 15; China rocks it like no one’s business. In fact, in 2004, they had to change the rules, so that China wouldn’t sweep all the medals, in all the events, something that happened a few times. This year, they got rid of baseball, and softball, because the US is too good at them, but they keep Ping Pong.

Flatwater Racing

Wiki says: “Flatwater racing takes place on a straight course divided in lanes, on calm water. The distances recognised by the ICF for international races are 200 m, 500 m, and 1000 m. Each boat has its own designated lane, except for races over more than 1000 m, where there also may be turning points. “

This was an unknown event in 2008, but now has become well known, and I can see why.  imagine trying to paddle as hard as you can, and keep your balance on that thing? Add to that, this is a co-op event… you have a partner on that board!  Now, if it was a contact sport, it would be one of the coolest ever, but I can’t really hope for that, can I? 


Whitewater Slalom

 
Wiki Says: “Whitewater Slalom is a competitive sport where the aim is to navigate a decked canoe or kayak through a course of hanging gates on river rapids in the fastest time possible. It is one of the two kayak and canoeing disciplines at the Summer Olympics, and is referred to by the International Olympic Committee (IOC) as either "canoe slalom" or "kayak slalom".”

This is another sport that’s become more popular since 2008. This is like normal kayaking, and that Mountain Cross stuff from above. Again, I like that it’s in a natural setting, but there’s far less chance a bear will eat anyone (unless it was chasing a fish or something.) Still, you got the whole balance thing going on, and I can’t imagine it’s easy to paddle that thing.

Windsurfing





 
Wiki Says: “Windsurfing is a surface water sport using a windsurf board, also commonly called a sailboard, usually two to five meters long and powered by a single sail. The rig is connected to the board by a free-rotating flexible joint called the Universal Joint (U-Joint). Unlike a rudder-steered sailboat, a windsurfer is steered by the tilting and rotating of the mast and sail as well as tilting and carving the board.”

I knew sailing was an Olympic Sport, even that Catamaran bullshit, but I didn’t know about Windsurfing. While I have to love the chances that a shark will attack someone, I can’t help but thinking, this sport looks too… well.. fun. I mean, if this is a sport, why isn’t just normal Surfing an event? Mind you, I’m a bitch, because I could never do this, but still.

Air Pistol
 

Wiki Says: “10 metre air pistol is an Olympic shooting event governed by the International Shooting Sport Federation (ISSF). It is similar to 10 metre air rifle in that it is shot with 4.5 mm (or .177) caliber air guns at a distance of 10 metres (11 yards), and the programme consists of 60 shots within 105 minutes for men, and 40 shots within 75 minutes for women. It is also similar to 50 metre pistol despite the shorter distance and the use of air guns, and most top-level male shooters compete in both events.”

This is dedicated to all the Air Gun sports: “You’ll shoot your eye out.”


Modern Pentathlon
 

Wiki Says: “Modern pentathlon is a sports contest created especially for the Summer Olympic Games by the founder of the modern Games, Baron Pierre de Coubertin, and was first contested in 1912. Coubertin was inspired by the pentathlon event in Ancient Olympic Games, which was modeled after the skills of the ideal soldier at the time. The modern pentathlon simulates the experience of a 19th century cavalry soldier behind enemy lines: he must ride an unfamiliar horse, fight with pistol and sword, swim, and run. Therefore, the modern pentathlon event comprises the five sport disciplines:
 


*épée fencing
*pistol shooting
*200 metre freestyle swimming
*show jumping on horseback
*3 km cross country running”

I say: What the fuck? Really, WHAT THE FUCK? This is the coolest thing ever! I mean, here’s what you have to do: shoot a real gun; (I’m looking at you, air gun) fight with a real sword; swim; run; and ride a horse? I’d object to the horse part of it, but, considering the whole Cavalry Soldier thing, screw it. I mean, that’s a sport where I can’t do any of the things! Olympic folks, we need more sports like this. Add Wolveneing in there, and I think we’d have the best sport ever.

 Post note: Some Honorable mentions...
 

Trampoline: The sport I think every kid who jumped on his bed thinks he can do. 

 

Badminton: The HORROR!

 

Women's Sumo: I  hear it's awesome. Gotta check it out.